


The Homestuck Epilogues, but actually good

by A_slightly_sad_egg



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Clowns tw, Dirk takes over the narrative, Epilogues, F/F, F/M, Homestuck - Freeform, Jake English tw, M/M, OBAMA, Papyrus undertale - Freeform, The Homestuck Epilogues, Xenophobic Jane Crocker tw, epilogue rewrite, hot dogs, increasingly stupid situations, mentions of homestuck, mentions of the number four hundred and thirteen, powerlevels in excess of a certain very high threshold, sans undertale - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-10-11 23:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20554703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_slightly_sad_egg/pseuds/A_slightly_sad_egg
Summary: this is the homestuck epilogues, but instead of Dirk being completely chill and coy with his new powers, he just goes batshit insane and makes reality crumble around him, the protagonists of this story (every single homestuck character except dirk) now have to somehow save themselves and the whole universe from destruction by going through increasingly stupid and increasingly hilarious situations, a good time for all. (except Dirk)(update since i actually know what i'm doing at this point): this isn't meant to be taken completely as a joke, no matter how the rest of the summary sounds.i'm actually putting a lot of my free time into making this story sound as canonical as possible, and i've made it a goal to write a lot better at the end of this than when i started.





	1. prologue 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the unedited epilogue prologues, chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important message.  
yes, the first 3 chapters are the unedited homestuck epilogue prologues, i'm using them to transition smoothly into the real story.

It starts with a crack. Everything else rises up from that like steam: a trembling thread that cuts through space in jagged lines, splintering the void into razor-sharp shards of putrefying leptons and quarks popping apart like raw eggs in a microwave. It’s coming undone at a subatomic level, from the bottom up, from the inside out. From the top down it looks like the eye of a storm—a black hole so supermassive that it spans the width of eternity. It turns infinity into something as thin and fragile as cellophane; shreds it of its dimensions, a piece of paper pinched together at either end, a hole poked through it.

At the center of that hole the edges can be heard fraying. Pandemonium, as continuity buckles in the middle and the two ends come smashing together. Around the hole, ghosts scream. They claw at the dying borders of their dreams with fingernail-chipping desperation. They whip together like the wind, trailing the mutilated streaks of their hypothetical futures with them. It’s a multifractal neon cyclone of primordial conclusion. A churning blender of hyperfinal, catastrophically terminal, overwhelmingly permanent double-death. The screaming distorts and plunges low as it gets closer to the cavity.

At the center, that distortion turns into an eerie music. That’s where the cacophony ends—the shattering, the screaming, the squelching, the sounds of elemental particles being torn apart like string cheese shoved through a meat grinder, then dumped down a strangely melodious garbage disposal. It all returns to the same tonic dominant, matching pitch and tone, ironing out the rebellious flats and sharps until the discordance becomes exquisite. A subharmonic symphony that can only be heard in the bones. At the dead center of the event, it is extremely quiet. A silence made of all the suffering that limitless sempiternity can hold, bleeding together until the prism turns to obsidian. It’s too vast to comprehend, too black to behold without closing your eyes. Retreating to the back of your own eyelids is to seek the comfort of a familiar darkness. It is to reject an absolute tenebrosity so perfectly alien, it threatens to rip the humanity right through your eye sockets.

This is the end of everything. This is the end of Paradox Space. You...

> Wake up.

Your name is John Egbert, and you have just had a terrible, deeply pretentious nightmare. You snap out of bed, soaked in sweat, your heart hammering like a fire alarm. It is just as you feared.

You’ve been dreaming in anime again. And you have no idea what it could mean.

> Look outside just to make absolutely sure the world is not ending.

The sun is coming in through your window in bars of soft yellow. The only sound you can hear for miles is the wind skimming the hollows of your neighbors’ pipe homes. It’s a normal day in the salamander village, which you refer to as Salamander Village because the damned salamanders never bothered to give this village a name, you guess. Absolutely nothing of note has ever happened here in the entire history of the planet, which you would know, because you created it.

Beside your pillow, your phone is vibrating. Rose is calling. The screen of your phone reads 9:30 a.m. April 13, and also the number forty-six, which is how many text messages your friend left you while you were sleeping. A bit excessive, even for her.

> Answer the phone.

ROSE: Since when are you known to operate your telephone?

JOHN: since... i don’t know. has it really been that long since i called?

ROSE: I can’t remember the last time.

JOHN: neither can i. anyway, what’s up?

ROSE: First of all, happy birthday.

JOHN: oh, yeah. thanks.

JOHN: fuck, i forgot.

ROSE: Am I correct in presuming this April Thirteenth will be as uneventful as the last?

JOHN: yeah, i don’t want to do anything this year. i hope that’s ok.

ROSE: Of course it’s ok. It’s your birthday after all.

JOHN: rose...

ROSE: Yes?

You wander to the window and watch the salamanders go about their day. All over the neighborhood, the little dad-salamanders are putting on their little rumpled hats and picking up their little suitcases and kissing their little families goodbye for the day. You’ve always been confused about what, exactly, they contribute to the global economy. But it’s pretty cute how much they love playing at being suburban businessmen.

The silence over the phone is growing awkward. You’ve stalled long enough. You decide to just come out and say it.

JOHN: i’ve been dreaming in anime again lately.

JOHN: i have no idea what it could mean.

ROSE: I see.

JOHN: it’s horrible, every time.

JOHN: and i don’t mean because anime is bad or anything. it’s not that.

JOHN: whenever i have these dreams, everything’s breaking apart.

JOHN: millions of people are screaming and dying.

JOHN: i mean, dying permanently. not the kind of bullshit dying that we’ve been doing a lot over the years.

A couple yards over, a salamander blows an astounding spit bubble. Truly one for the books. Your eyes trace its meandering journey into the sky as you gather your thoughts.

JOHN: what do you think it all means?

ROSE: What do I think ‘what’ means?

JOHN: what do you think it means that i’ve been dreaming in anime?

ROSE: I don’t have the slightest idea what it means that you’ve been dreaming in anime, John.

ROSE: To be honest, I...

You wait for Rose to finish her thought. She doesn’t, which is troubling because you have never known Rose to leave a thought unfinished in over ten years of acquaintance. You suppose it’s possible it may have happened one of the times she died. You wouldn’t bet on it though.

JOHN: rose... are you ok?

ROSE: Not exactly.

JOHN: what’s wrong?

ROSE: I think my condition’s been getting worse lately.

JOHN: condition?

ROSE: It’s why my message probably sounded urgent.

JOHN: you left 46 messages.

ROSE: Yes. They were all urgent.

JOHN: oh.

ROSE: I don’t think I can wait much longer before telling you.

ROSE: I held out for as long as I could. I figured your birthday was as good a time as any to let you know.

JOHN: let me know what?

ROSE: It’s crept up on me, these last couple of years.

ROSE: Gradually enough to ignore as it was happening, but I can’t anymore.

ROSE: Lately the visions have been overwhelming.

JOHN: visions??

ROSE: John, I have terrible headaches these days. Talking on the phone doesn’t help at all.

ROSE: Would you mind flying to my apartment, so we can continue this in person?

JOHN: oh, yeah. you mean...

JOHN: now?

ROSE: Yes, now is the time.

ROSE: I’ve put it off long enough.

You move the phone away from your ear and assume an expression you haven’t practiced in years. It is the look of a man who actually has something to do. Holding the phone directly in front of your face, you speak into the receiver.

JOHN: ok, i’m on my way. bye, rose.

As you hang up the phone, a familiar feeling settles over you. A feeling of...standing? Standing, and being alone. In your bedroom. As a young man. On your birthday. You swear you’ve felt this feeling before. It’s almost like...

A young man stands alone in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man’s birthday. Though it was twenty-three years ago when he was given life, and ten years ago when he was given a name, it feels like it is only today that he will begin to understand what all that means.

That young man is YOU, John Egbert.

What will you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the real story starts on chapter 4


	2. prologue 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the unedited epilogue prologues, chapter 2

When you arrive at Rose’s apartment, you find her asleep on the couch. You slide the balcony door open, quietly.

JOHN: rose?

Her eyes flutter open. She looks like a ghost, and not the kind of ghost that looks and acts exactly like an alive person.

ROSE: How... how long have I been sleeping?

JOHN: i dunno. i just got here.

JOHN: are you ok?

ROSE: I’ll be fine.

JOHN: that looks like a lot of pills you’re taking there.

ROSE: Yeah. It’s not what you’re thinking though.

JOHN: what am i thinking?

ROSE: These are controlled substances that have been prescribed by a legitimate doctor to ease the symptoms of my condition. I am using them only as instructed.

JOHN: ok??

ROSE: So there’s nothing to worry about.

JOHN: but you said you have a condition. isn’t that...bad?

You watch her rise in stages. Her arm is trembling where she’s bracing it on the couch.

ROSE: Oh. Yes. The condition itself is not ideal, obviously. And perhaps it does constitute something to worry about, in the context of a different conversation. All I’m trying to say is, I’m not backsliding, if that’s what you’re wondering.

You spend several pregnant moments saying nothing at all in response to this. You examine Rose’s supine, languid form on the couch, optimistic that she will continue speaking any moment now.

ROSE: I struggled with substance abuse for a while, years ago. Remember?

JOHN: rose, jesus. i wasn’t going to accuse you of being a drug addict, and i didn’t fly over here to give you an intervention.

JOHN: it sounded like you had some important stuff to tell me, and the fact that you also seem to be sick is more than a little alarming!

ROSE: I wouldn’t say I’m sick.

ROSE: Just having spectacularly debilitating headaches as a result of my visions becoming more frequent.

JOHN: oh yeah.

JOHN: what are these visions you’re having?

ROSE: I’m a Seer of Light, John.

JOHN: i know.

JOHN: so you mean like, your standard psychic visions about the future and stuff?

JOHN: what’s going to happen? should we be worried?

ROSE: It doesn’t technically pertain to the future. Well, not our future.

ROSE: My abilities have broadened considerably beyond their previous horizon. They shed light on many unseen events. Past, present, future, in realities and frames of reference that have no intersection with ours at all.

ROSE: It seems to be an unfortunate side effect of god tier abilities. They can advance at a rate beyond one’s physical ability to keep up with.

ROSE: Fortunately it doesn’t seem to be happening to anyone other than me.

JOHN: yeah, can’t say i’ve noticed anything like that.

JOHN: or improvement in my powers for that matter.

ROSE: It’s not about gaining additional power, so much as the gradual dissolving of the boundaries between your own awareness and that of your many doomed selves who perished in other timelines.

ROSE: It’s a slow and apparently rather uncomfortable accretion of knowledge. Perhaps I’m the only one to notice any change, since my aspect explicitly relates to knowledge.

JOHN: i guess that all makes sense.

JOHN: so what are these visions showing you?

ROSE: Many things. They’re quite disjointed, and sometimes hard to rearrange into coherence.

ROSE: But in totality, I have pieced together a greater understanding of our present situation and all the events that led us here.

You watch Rose stagger to her feet and cross the apartment. At the kitchenette, she knocks back another pill with a practiced motion, no water. Her vacant stare drills into the countertop as she quietly waits for the medication to take effect.

JOHN: ...and?

ROSE: And what?

JOHN: what is it about our situation that you wanted to tell me?

JOHN: is it bad?

ROSE: Good and bad are words that don’t mean anything, beyond a certain threshold of mortal consideration.

ROSE: There’s a different scale I’ve come to understand. Another dichotomy that’s less... emotional, I guess?

ROSE: Consider, instead of the word “good,” using the word “essential.”

ROSE: And what exists at the opposite polarity from essential is...

ROSE: Something that is best not to contemplate.

JOHN: what are you talking about?

JOHN: this sounds fucked up.

ROSE: Yes, that sounds like a reaction you would definitely have to the things I’m telling you.

ROSE: I really should cut it out, and just start from the beginning.

You follow Rose to the balcony. She raises a hand and points directly into the clear blue sky. She points with purpose, as if to say, there. Right there, precisely, is where the green sun would be, if it still existed.

ROSE: The green sun is gone.

JOHN: what??

ROSE: It has been destroyed. At least, from the current frame of reference it has.

ROSE: It still existed, and therefore in a way that’s hard to explain, currently exists, over a nearly infinite span of time, presiding over the birth and death of countless universes.

ROSE: But this universe, our universe, is not one of them.

JOHN: you saw this in a vision?

ROSE: No. Jade told me.

JOHN: she did?

JOHN: how does she know?

ROSE: She can’t draw from its power anymore. She no longer has the ability of a First Guardian.

ROSE: It has been this way for several years. I suspect she has kept this fact on the downlow, however.

JOHN: that’s...

JOHN: surprising, i guess?

JOHN: or maybe not. i dunno, it’s not like she tells me a whole lot these days.

ROSE: It’s also not like she’s had any particular need to unleash the full fury of the green sun, not while she’s been gallivanting around with Dave and Karkat under whatever perplexing social arrangement they have settled on.

ROSE: Anyway, her account of the sun’s destruction syncs up with the data supplied by my visions. I have no doubt it’s gone.

JOHN: how did that happen?

ROSE: It doesn’t matter much, for our purposes.

ROSE: There was a cataclysmic event. A suicide strike by a very powerful being. Much like the one Dave and I attempted, once upon a time.

ROSE: But it turned out the explosive force we released was only a catalyst. A causal gesture. What was needed to destroy the sun was a consumptive assault.

JOHN: consumptive?

ROSE: The entire sun was swallowed by a supermassive black hole.

ROSE: I digress though.

You press your eyes shut, just for a moment. Behind them you see a black hole so supermassive that it spans the width of eternity.

You quickly open your eyes again, and pretend to forget what you just saw.

ROSE: There’s really no route through this expository garden path that will adequately cushion you from the bottom line, John.

ROSE: You will need to travel back into canon and defeat Lord English.

You...

> Shrug and try to look casual.

You pull off the most casual shrug that a guy has ever shrugged when being presented with the inevitability of his own fate. If Rose were looking at you right now, she would be totally convinced that you are approaching this topic with a level of nonchalance that is entirely plausible and genuine. You’re sure of it.

JOHN: yeah, i had a feeling that was going to come up again someday.

ROSE: I’m sure we all did. That is, even those of us without visions.

JOHN: i was doing my best not to think about it. i guess we can’t put it off any longer then?

ROSE: Now is the time. We are rapidly approaching a point of no return. If the decision isn’t made soon, it will be too late. The issue will no longer matter.

JOHN: when exactly is the point of no return?

ROSE: Today.

JOHN: wow.

JOHN: ok then.

JOHN: first, one question. um...

JOHN: why?

ROSE: Why what?

JOHN: why do i need to go back and beat him?

JOHN: i mean, sorry if this is a stupid question. i guess he’s a huge awful monster, and that’s just what you’re supposed to do with huge awful monsters. take them down for their crimes, and such.

JOHN: but why does he actually need to be defeated at all? to be honest, it’s been years since we’ve even bothered thinking about any of this, and everything seems...

> Take a look around and survey the current status of all life on Earth, which is totally possible to do from the vantage point of a single apartment balcony.

JOHN: fine?

ROSE: Of course everything is fine here.

ROSE: We’re outside of canon now.

JOHN: yeah, i know. what does that actually MEAN though?

JOHN: are you saying this isn’t really happening?

ROSE: Of course it’s happening.

ROSE: Just because certain events take place outside of canon, it doesn’t mean those events are non-canon.

JOHN: oh.

ROSE: In other words, there is an important distinction between events which can be considered to occur inside canon, outside canon, and those which are not canon at all.

ROSE: The day we went through that door and claimed our reward, we passed a threshold between continua marked by differing degrees of relevance, truth, and essentiality.

ROSE: Those are the three pillars of canon.

JOHN: what?

Rose shoots you an irritated look. You know what that look means. It’s reserved for the sort of bozo who just said “what” once too often.

ROSE: Any event said to take place inside canon will have nonzero values of relevance and essentiality, while maintaining an absolute foundation in truth, by definition.

ROSE: Whereas events outside canon have diminished values of relevance and essentiality. Or, for the most part, can be considered neither relevant nor essential at all.

ROSE: But such events can’t be said to be untrue either. Instead, it’s better to regard their truth value as highly conditional.

ROSE: Are you still following?

> Say “oh, yeah. totally.”

JOHN: oh, yeah. totally.

ROSE: So to be clear, everything that’s taken place here on Earth C since we exited canon can be considered completely irrelevant, and for the most part, absolutely inessential. Yet none of it can be called untrue.

ROSE: At least, up until precisely today.

JOHN: ok.

JOHN: then what does non-canon mean?

ROSE: Events that are formally non-canon have no truth whatsoever, by definition.

ROSE: They may have relevance and essentiality values that are nonzero, or even quite high, but only as projections along an imaginary axis, resulting from highly subjective frames of reference.

ROSE: But due to those events having no truth, and thus carrying no real weight, the other properties are basically rendered meaningless.

You can feel your eyes go wide as the gears in your head slow to a stop. The implications of what Rose is saying are as vast as they are completely incomprehensible. Your mind has just been BLOWN.

ROSE: John?

ROSE: Are you okay? Your pupils have gone quite wide, thereby facilitating the appearance that your mind has just been blown.

JOHN: sorry, i’m just trying to wrap my head around this.

ROSE: You of all people really should have a good intuitive grasp over these concepts already.

ROSE: You’re the one with the retcon powers, after all.

JOHN: i know!

JOHN: like, i mostly get it. i think.

JOHN: i just wouldn’t have thought to put all of this in such a jargony way.

ROSE: Sorry. That’s kind of what I do.

JOHN: it’s fine. i’m just a bit rusty is all.

JOHN: it feels like it’s been so long since i did, or even thought about... anything that mattered at all.

ROSE: Yes, the longer we live outside of canon, the more tenuous our relationship with canon becomes.

ROSE: Hence the urgency.

JOHN: then what’s going to happen if we keep dragging our feet?

ROSE: I mentioned that events outside canon have a truth value that tends to be conditional, remember?

JOHN: um.

ROSE: Well, I did. But let me put it another way.

ROSE: As long as we live outside canon, everything that happens will technically be “real,” but only conditionally.

ROSE: There are certain crucial events inside canon which must happen in order to continue to prop up the legitimacy of events here on Earth C.

ROSE: And you specifically, John, have a responsibility to make sure those events take place.

JOHN: and i take it that means going back and killing lord english?

ROSE: Yes.

ROSE: His defeat is the keystone to this entire continuity.

ROSE: Much like his life, in some sick way, governed the overall design of the bridge which that keystone was holding up.

ROSE: But without it, all of this falls apart. Every thing we’ve been through, in a way that’s impossible for a single mind to fully comprehend, becomes retroactively discredited.

JOHN: so... reality will be destroyed, or something?

JOHN: hasn’t that already sort of happened?

JOHN: i mean, when all the black space started cracking?

ROSE: No, this consequence isn’t physical, or even a disruption of the timeline. It’s more of a conceptual unraveling.

ROSE: If you miss the chance to authenticate canon events, something will take place that’s a bit difficult to describe, but I’ve encountered a term for it.

ROSE: It’s called “dissipation.”

ROSE: Like, a notional fading. As if something, somewhere, is undergoing a process of “forgetting,” and we are what is being forgotten.

ROSE: All ideas, people and their full potentialities, possible outcomes and their specific unfolding, all these things live inside conscious frameworks.

ROSE: The further removed we get from authentication of canon events, the less relevant they become, and they slowly fade from the conscious frameworks which kept them stable.

> Make a theatrically startled expression.

JOHN: ok, i guess we don’t want THAT to happen.

JOHN: or... unhappen. whatever.

JOHN: so i just retcon-poof back to english and start like...

JOHN: brawling with the dude?

ROSE: Don’t be ridiculous. You wouldn’t last a second.

ROSE: You’ll need a team.

ROSE: Also, you don’t want to just dive headlong into a battle with his hulking adult form. That would be tactically foolish, and furthermore, would skip over some very important steps needed to authenticate canon.

JOHN: like what?

ROSE: I mentioned that English’s defeat was the keystone to the continuity. But this is an oversimplification.

JOHN: yikes. well, we sure as fuck wouldn’t want to simplify anything.

ROSE: John, please don’t be a bitch. I’m unwell, remember?

JOHN: sorry.

ROSE: The true keystone, which is a necessary component of his defeat, is the juju.

ROSE: The house-shaped object you stuck your hand in to gain your retcon powers.

JOHN: oh yeah.

ROSE: While empty, it resembles a gap. Like a hole in canon, whose only purpose is to be filled.

ROSE: In serving that purpose, it grants one with the radical canon-altering powers that would be needed to fill it.

ROSE: Once filled, it becomes solid. No longer a gap, but a serviceable, load-bearing wedge in our continuity.

ROSE: Like a keystone.

ROSE: And once delivered to English and directed his way, it empties itself again, releasing its narrative-bridging payload. It functions as a weapon, and in some manner will bring about his demise.

JOHN: in some manner?

ROSE: It’s a complicated artifact. As old and unfathomable as anything else in Paradox Space, like the green sun, or English himself. Don’t worry about it for now.

ROSE: The important thing is that, in the due course of your travels, you end up loading and unloading this weapon.

JOHN: how am i going to do that?

ROSE: Once you set things in motion, it should just happen naturally through the narrative momentum of your journey. I’m really just warning you about it, rather than instructing you.

JOHN: ok. thanks??

ROSE: You’re welcome.

Rose looks at her phone. You recognize Kanaya’s distinct typing style in the window. Rose’s thumbs begin to fly across the keypad. She continues to text as she talks.

JOHN: so if we’re going to go back and kill him in time to “authenticate canon,” i guess we have to get going soon.

JOHN: like today?

ROSE: Yes.

JOHN: are you sure you’re actually up for a fight though? no offense, but you’re looking a little worse for the wear.

ROSE: I’m not going.

JOHN: oh.

ROSE: None of us are. Only you.

JOHN: what?? but you said...

ROSE: John, this is the victory state.

JOHN: what the hell does that even mean.

ROSE: When we went through the door, and passed beyond the threshold of canon, we effectively retired from bearing any responsibility for influencing canon events. We’ve all been sort of decommissioned as active players on the cosmic stage, with severely diminished relevance attributes.

ROSE: All of us except for you, of course, since you’ve retained your retcon abilities.

JOHN: ok, i get that. kind of.

JOHN: but... couldn’t you all just come along anyway?

ROSE: We could. But it wouldn’t serve any purpose.

ROSE: It wouldn’t plug up the remaining dark spots in canon.

ROSE: You’ll need a group of active players. Those still stuck inside the stream of canonic karma.

JOHN: who?

ROSE: Nothing too extravagant. Just different versions of us.

ROSE: Younger versions, from a particularly dysfunctional impasse in our journey.

ROSE: I can point out the exact moment in canon you should be disrupting, and how you should disrupt it.

ROSE: In fact, I’ve already written it down to spare you the trouble of remembering.

Rose leads you back inside and retrieves a letter from her desk. She hands it over, still typing one-handed on her phone. She sits down and you read the letter.

JOHN: huh.

ROSE: Is anything confusing about my instructions?

JOHN: no, i remember all this. it shouldn’t be a problem.

JOHN: it’s just weird to think about revisiting this. it seems like an eternity. like... we were all completely different people back then.

ROSE: I assure you we are all still fundamentally the same bunch of losers.

Rose is ultimately right about that, the way she is about most things. You continue to scan the letter, and grimace slightly.

JOHN: should i really punch her in the face?

JOHN: i felt kinda bad about it, last time i did that to someone.

ROSE: Yes. You absolutely should, and must, punch her in the face.

You exhale and turn the paper over in your hands. The other side is blank. You flip it back over, having fully processed the instructions drafted in the polished purple handwriting. You like how Rose still writes in purple, after all these years. Some things never change.

JOHN: alright. this seems straightforward enough.

JOHN: i mean, aside from the part where we all have to fight an invincible monster.

ROSE: He isn’t entirely invincible. He will be vulnerable to Dave’s weapon. I believe other gambits should present themselves as well.

ROSE: I don’t think it would serve the mission well for me to tell you exactly how it will go.

ROSE: But at least I can offer this bit of encouragement.

ROSE: If you follow my instructions, English will be defeated.

ROSE: It is an absolutely essential outcome.

ROSE: And essential, if you’ll remember, is the word we should be using instead of good.

JOHN: i see you’re advising we go after him when he’s young...

JOHN: i guess that makes sense.

JOHN: go get him before he gets all big and strong.

JOHN: like, kind of a surprise attack?

ROSE: Sure.

JOHN: that dude sucks.

JOHN: he was taunting me a while back.

JOHN: like, i think he WANTS me to come fight him?

JOHN: anyway, i just ignored him obviously, because i’m not a stupid idiot.

JOHN: but i guess today will be his lucky day.

You take a seat next to Rose on the couch.

> Examine your friend.

Her eyes are closed and her hands are folded in her lap. She’s not asleep, but she looks wasted—like all the life in her has been sucked out through a straw. Like she’s insubstantial. When you were kids you always thought that Rose Lalonde had all the answers, that she could fix any problem with a wall of text and a witty rejoinder. You guess that much about her hasn’t changed. She’s still trying to solve the problems you all left behind. You can’t believe how sick she looks. How did this happen to her?

JOHN: i should probably get going and let you rest.

JOHN: we can talk all about it when i get back. i’ll fill you in on how it went, hopefully you’ll be feeling better by then.

ROSE: Oh. Um.

ROSE: Yeah.

JOHN: is something wrong?

Rose opens her eyes and looks at you, but she says nothing. Just looks.

JOHN: i’m not scared, if that’s what you’re worried about.

JOHN: you already said we’re going to defeat him. so, nothing to fret over, right?

ROSE: Yes. You...

Something flickers through her eyes, almost too quick to catch. When she smiles at you, it’s warm and sincere.

ROSE: You’re going to do great.

Rose slides her arms around you. After a while, she releases you from the embrace and gets up to fetch her bottle of pills. She pauses at the bedroom door to look at you one more time.

ROSE: Goodbye, John.

She closes the door behind her.

> Look at the letter.

Your run your thumbs along the edge of the paper. Is this really it? One hug from Rose and you’re off to face your destiny? The instructions in the letter are clear, but you aren’t sure precisely what to do next. Inertia and indecision keep your feet planted firmly on the carpet.

Then, as if directly answering your quandary, your phone buzzes in your pocket. It’s a text from Roxy.

> Read text.

It sounds important. You get up to go without even thinking about it. You exit through the sliding glass door and leave it open behind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the real story starts on chapter 4


	3. prologue 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the unedited homestuck epilogue prologues, chapter 3 [The finally colorized Update]

It’s a beautiful day in the Carapace Kingdom, just like it was in the Human Kingdom and just like it was in Salamander Village. For whatever faults this paradise you created might have, you sure don’t hear many complaints about the weather. You’re sitting with Roxy and Calliope on a giant, chessboard-pattern tablecloth. It’s a nice touch, you think. But if you spent any time shopping in the Carapace Kingdom, you’d know most things you can buy are chess themed.

Friendly carapacians go about their day around you, passing through the park with their eyes politely averted as they pretend not to notice that three celebrities are having lunch in the grass nearby. It’s extra polite of them, because you and Roxy are having a very personal conversation.

JOHN: she looked alright. mostly just tired.  
JOHN: at least she seemed to have enough energy to babble at length about philosophical gibberish, and things about canon and such.  
ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: guess she filled you in on all the ultimate self junk then

JOHN: the what?

ROXY: the shit where she starts knowing everything and feelin bad

JOHN: oh. that’s not the term she used. she just kept describing it as a condition.

JOHN: you haven’t been feeling anything like that, right?

ROXY: what getting to know my ultimate self?

JOHN: yeah.

ROXY: man ive barely got a hold of my basic ass self

JOHN: heh.

JOHN: yeah, she said she was the only one going through this, that she knew of.

JOHN: poor rose.

JOHN: at least all that medication seems to be keeping her sort of functional.

Roxy gives you a serious, sidelong glance.

> Remember that whole totally unprovoked spiel Rose gave you about substance abuse.

JOHN: she said it wasn’t like that!

JOHN: i mean... she said it was under control.

JOHN: well, what the fuck do i know. the only illicit substance i’ve ever done is lick that STUPID trickster lollipop.

JOHN: NEVER AGAIN.

ROXY: yeah w/e

ROXY: cant say its much my business anymore

ROXY: rose and i arent as close as we used to be

You nod, sort of knowingly, because you’re thinking about how you hadn’t talked to Rose in ages either. Roxy gives you a quizzical look, but you turn away before she can draw meaning from it.

ROXY: maryams been keeping her real busy since they got hitched

ROXY: they both vanished down the brooding caverns and that was p much that

ROXY: only since she got sick and spent more time at home did we start talkin more again

ROXY: its been great but our conversations have been a lil bit upsetting

And, here it comes. The thing you were trying to avoid thinking about the moment Roxy texted you, about how you haven’t talked to Roxy in ages either. You were having such a nice time ignoring that fact, too.

> Change the subject.

JOHN: so, are you and callie still living at the same place i last saw? the one near the tower?

You look towards the bell tower in the distance. It’s a gothic building so tall that it cuts a shadow through the midday sun. It’s an important landmark in the kingdom—the tallest structure for miles around—and the only way you can ever navigate your way here flying. Carapace architecture is otherwise identic, a reflection of their functional, collectivist society.

ROXY: yup

JOHN: that’s cool.

JOHN: it’s a nice place.

ROXY: yeah i like it here

ROXY: ive thought about it but ill probably never wanna live in a different kingdom

ROXY: still feel most at home around the chess guys

JOHN: makes sense.

JOHN: that’s about how i feel about the salamanders.

JOHN: which... i realize actually makes no fucking sense.

ROXY: haha

JOHN: they lead simple lives.

JOHN: i don’t really care for the chaos of human or troll cities.

ROXY: neither do we

You watch Roxy smile and reach for Calliope’s hand.

> Look away before you start dwelling on it.

You start dwelling on it immediately, looking probably quite conspicuous with how quickly you whipped your gaze away. But seriously, what is up with their relationship? Is it romantic? Platonic? Can cherubs even have a romantic relationship? Are they even interested in it, like, on a fundamental level? Do their brains and hearts even work that way? Questions like this used to keep you awake at night.

You look at them, at where Roxy’s fingers are entwined with Calliope’s green claws. Calliope is still wearing the Ring of Life. The same one you obtained in a ludicrous adventure through the afterlife, and then re-obtained in a ludicrous adventure through canon when it was stolen from you. It’s the same one that allowed Calliope to stop being dead in the first place, and to come live with your friends here on your beautifully renovated home planet. And it’s the same one you gave Roxy all those years ago, to fulfill a promise made to a very special new friend.

At the time, the gesture felt so important. It felt more meaningful than any gift you’d ever given. Like there was some grand emotional gravitas about it that signified something deeper than... than what it turned out to be.

You have since concluded you were just imagining things. Ascribing symbolic meaning to gestures that they simply didn’t carry, like the dumb kid you were.

> Tactfully avoid saying anything at all about Roxy and Calliope’s weird, ambiguous relationship.

JOHN: uh, so...

But you can’t stop thinking about it. What goes on in Roxy’s head. What she thinks about you.

You and all your friends have dispositions affected by your classes and aspects. You think you know what that means in your case. But what about her? You can only speculate. Void is a place where things sink and disappear. Where they linger forever, but cease to exist. You aren’t actually sure if your feelings for Roxy ever really faded, or if they just grew numb with time and distance. Is it the same for her?

You search your soul for the answer, but come up empty. The truth is, you suspect her mental interior is unfathomable. In fact, you feel sure of it.

You wonder suddenly, watching her. This version of her, that is. The one with whom you share all these bittersweet memories—will you ever see her again?

CALLIOPE: ahem.

CALLIOPE: john!

JOHN: what?

CALLIOPE: please forgive me if i come across as impatient. bUt if we are finished with the pleasantries, i believe yoU have a choice to make.

JOHN: huh?

CALLIOPE: the choice as to whether yoU will go defeat my brother, or stay here.

CALLIOPE: have yoU decided yet?

JOHN: there’s a choice??

Calliope is smiling brightly, but Roxy’s face has no expression at all.

JOHN: i was just assuming i had to go.

JOHN: because if i don’t, then...

JOHN: a lot of stuff will stop being real. or i mean, stop being canon?

JOHN: to tell you the truth, i’m a little confused about what will happen if i don’t go.

JOHN: but it sounds like it will probably be bad!

CALLIOPE: that may be so.

CALLIOPE: we are not here to caUtion yoU aboUt the conseqUences of yoUr decision either way.

CALLIOPE: bUt there is always a choice!

CALLIOPE: roxy and i merely wished to invite yoU here for a nice hUman picnic, and show oUr sUpport for whichever decision yoU make.

ROXY: tbh its a relief to finally be doin this

JOHN: it is?

ROXY: mm hm

JOHN: how much have you actually... talked about this? i mean, how many people knew this was going to be a thing?

ROXY: just us and rose. well dirk too i think

ROXY: shes been talkin to me about it a bunch

ROXY: and him too but i dunno how much

ROXY: hes got like

ROXY: “thoughts” about all this shit

ROXY: but whatever thats not important or even remotely surprising

ROXY: bottom line, rose has been tormenting herself about having to tell you

ROXY: im just glad she finally said it so she can rest

ROXY: now its up to you

CALLIOPE: yes. take all the time yoU need.

CALLIOPE: again, we aren’t here to inflUence yoU. it’s very important that the decision come from yoUr desire to go throUgh with it, one way or another.

CALLIOPE: any tampering coUld taint the resUlts.

JOHN: taint the...

JOHN: wait, what?

ROXY: so whatll it be john

A chill runs through you and stays there.

> Consider the gravitas of this choice.

You try, but you can’t, because you weren’t really prepared for it. You didn’t think it was a choice at all until this very second. You think back to the way Rose looked at you before she went to bed. What has she told Roxy that she didn’t tell you? The chill tightens around your throat and turns into fear.

No, not fear. The feeling is worse than that. It’s regret.

You wasted your time here on this idyllic restoration of Earth. Why did you spend so much time alone? Moping around the house mourning your dead father, who probably would have wanted you to get more enjoyment out of your teen years, as well as your unusually early retirement. There’s so much you could have done. You could have even reached out to Roxy again; maybe she was waiting for you to do that. Maybe your withdrawal hurt her. Maybe she was heartbroken, just like you kind of feel right now. You study her perfectly stoic face and conclude nothing from it. Her expression reminds you of how Dave used to look, when you first met for real, before years of living with Karkat softened him up. Impenetrable cool.

It’s too late to figure any of this out now. You fucked it up already.

Unless, of course, you choose to stay.

Upon further examination, you realize that Roxy’s stoicism isn’t cold. There’s concern there. She is displaying restraint, keeping quiet while you make up your mind. You’re sweating, you realize. Cold sweat. Even worse than the anime nightmare sweat you woke up soaked in this morning.

ROXY: john u ok?

JOHN: ...

ROXY: looked like you were gonna pass out there for a second

Suddenly, Calliope bolts upright.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse! what was i thinking.

CALLIOPE: this decision is far too important to be made on an empty stomach.

She fetches the picnic basket, which naturally has been sitting there on the tablecloth since the moment you arrived.

CALLIOPE: here, before yoU choose which path yoU’re going to take, yoU shoUld decide what yoU’d like to eat!

CALLIOPE: i have packed a wide variety of provisions. easily enoUgh to satisfy even the most ravenoUs picnic-goer’s appetite.

CALLIOPE: behold, an array of savory delights for the carnally inclined.

CALLIOPE: or perhaps something for yoUr sweet tooth, if a lUst for treats is what stokes yoUr desire?

Calliope produces two dishes from the basket and begins gingerly unwrapping them. The unwrapping is so ginger, in fact, that there’s something almost dramatic about it. Like the opening theme to that boring sci-fi movie with the monolith and the bone-throwing monkeys should be playing as she peels away the cheesecloth.

On one plate is a pile of meat: rare, almost bleeding cuts from animals you can’t identify. The other plate holds a generous heap of colorful, exotic-looking candy. You scoot to the side and peek into the basket to see if there’s anything else. There’s a book in there, but no more food. This is all there is.

> Contemplate your lunch.

You put a finger to your lips and focus on the food with great intensity. You stop fretting about choices, and heartbreak, and eternity, and Lord English. Your entire world narrows to a single point of light as you are utterly consumed by the overbearing decision about which of these absurd meals to have for lunch.

> MEAT or CANDY?

Meat or candy. The two possibilities pinball around your skull. Meat or candy. It’s a tough choice. On any other day you might be inclined to simply follow the whims of your cravings, but no clear victor surges to the forefront of your mind.

Either option offers a tempting means of sustenance. You know the meat will be rich and filling, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you haven’t had the most robust diet as of late. You didn’t even have breakfast. It’s probably a good idea to eat something resembling a real meal for once.

But you’re no stranger to Calliope’s tastes, as far as carnivorous comestibles are concerned. You know every cut on that plate is rare to the core. It’ll fill your mouth to bursting with juice, lie heavy on your stomach for hours to come as your body works to break down all the nutritious protein and fat.

It might be tough to chew. It might be even tougher to swallow.

Maybe the candy is the better choice for a picnic like this. Something that’ll go down easy and fill you with bright energy as you pass the time with your friends. You know you need to just let go sometimes, and stop worrying so much about what other people expect of you. Or even what you expect of you. It’s not a bad thing to enjoy yourself just for the sake of pleasure.

But eat too much and all that sweetness could make you sick.

Roxy and Calliope glance at each other in confusion as you deliberate over what to eat. You suppose it’s taking you a while to choose, but each dish is appealing enough in certain ways. Each has its potential dietary drawbacks. You don’t want to make a decision you can’t stomach.

Meat or candy, John. Meat or candy?

You release your breath when you realize you’ve been holding it. You’re being ridiculous. What’s the sense of fussing over lunch? In the end, it really doesn’t matter. Whatever you choose, it’ll all be flushed down the toilet tomorrow.

Just go with your gut. Don’t sweat the small stuff. There are much more important things out there to fuck yourself up over.

> Choose

\--------------------------------------------Meat-----------------------------Candy---------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the real story starts next chapter


	4. Chapter one (the real one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the first chapter with custom writing, i don't like the fact that it took this long, but i can't really help that with these things

Meat was definitely the right choice, you think, as grease drips down your chin. The meat is cold and undercooked, so you have to grab it with both hands while you rend it apart with your incisors. It bursts in chunks, filling your mouth with blood and your throat with mangled knots of gristle and long strings of muscle fiber. You take big bites, almost too big to swallow, so big that you choke on the meaty mulch and hock some of it up into your nasal cavity. You sneeze out a gooey rope of phlegm and flesh. You stop for a moment to wipe your face, but your chin is still slippery after you swipe the mess away. Slivers of meat catch between your teeth as you masticate with bestial enthusiasm. You use your thumbnail to fish them out.

> Finish up.

Some of the blood has coagulated on the surface of the plate. You grab it from Calliope and lick it clean. She watches you—calm, placid, alien. Roxy has leaned forward to scrutinize your slovenly feasting, her eyes wide and intense. You stare back at them with your hands coated in unctuous organic matter and flecks of seared skin. The blood on your hands is so thin that it’s like oily Kool-Aid pooling in your palm.

> Think, suddenly, about all the many horrible crimes committed by Lord English.

God, that guy is the worst. The memory of his stupid face and his terrible art and all the abominable misfortune he has caused across multiple universes and time lines makes your meal start to curdle in your stomach. The meat sits there like a big, lardy mass—a black hole bursting the universe apart around it. You feel like rocks are churning in your gut and your mouth begins to water, hot and sour. The flavor of the afternoon air changes around you and it’s too hot, almost suffocating. You swallow back a mouthful of pungent bile as your eyes swim and lose focus.

> You know what you must do.

JOHN: i know what i must do.

Of course you know. What kind of guy would you be if you did NOT know what you had to do? A pretty shitty one, who just sneezed up a chunk of raw meat in front of a girl you used to have a gigantic crush on.

JOHN: i have to stay here, on earth c.  
ROXY: r u sure about that?  
JOHN: yes, i am more sure than i have ever been before in my life.  
JOHN: this really feels right you know.

Roxy pulls back and takes a deep breath, she looks serious for a moment. You feel like you did something wrong, but there is always a chance you could have misread her, and Calliope, well, with their face being a constantly grinning skull, you can't say you're having an easy time reading them either. Before you can say anything though, Roxy smiles broadly and starts talking.

ROXY: well john, i cant say i agree with that, but it was always ur choice rite.  
ROXY: im sure nothings gonna go wrong because of this.

John just looks confused, but what else is new. He gives roxy a puzzled expression, and tries to say something, but can't seem to find any words to do so.

No one says anything for some time. A pleasant breeze rolls down from the hills. In the distance, the bell tower chimes twice. You notice that a group of carapacians have stopped to stare at you with beady-eyed fascination. The front of your shirt is stained with dark, slimy patches from the meat. Christ, why did you have to eat that meat like such a slob?

JOHN: uh, well, is that it?  
JOHN: should i be getting going now, or...  
JOHN: well... oh god, i don't know what to do now.  
CALLIOPE: well, john, yoU have made yoUr choice, so why not sit here with Us for a while.  
CALLIOPE: maybe it will help yoU think of something to do.

Their face looks happy, as always, but their voice has a tone of chill in it, as if they expected you to make a different choice, as if they know something you do not. And this deeply unsettles you on a fundamental level, yet you cannot bring yourself to ask about it.

The three of you sit in silence for the most part, the crisp breeze flowing in your hair, (and lack of hair) and the warm sunlight shining on your backs, it feels nice, yet somehow, off.  
You can't explain it, but every color on this planet seems oddly saturated, the sky is a bit too blue, the grass is a little too green, the clouds too white, so on and so forth.

ROXY: hey i think we should get going, its starting to get dark

Nobody answers, John is busy daydreaming, and Callie just smiles at you, like usual, at least they acknowledge that you said something to them.  
The two of you pack up the picnic basket and are about to leave when John finally wakes up from his daydream.

JOHN: shit, wait for me.

>Hug them, dummy

You very quickly run up to Roxy and Calliope, hugging them both from behind.  
Neither of them seemed to expect it, and they both jump at your sudden approach.  
The three of you walk and talk for a while, before you get to the town square, which is, quite literally, a square. Roxy and Calliope don't live very far from there, so you all say your goodbyes and go home, as if nothing even happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it starts


	5. Chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Dirk realizes that this is the wrong timeline, John boggles vacantly at these shenanigans, and Rose magically becomes well again, to the delight of all, but mostly Kanaya

You, Dirk Strider, are surprisingly enough at home today, Jake had gotten sick enough to want to cancel Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch today, so you were just going to take some time to yourself, maybe build another sentient robot or two, to keep ARquius company while you're away.  
But, that's when it starts, you suddenly feel too weak to stand, you fall down to all fours, even then you feel like you're barely strong enough to keep yourself up, the headache you just got is so immense it feels like your head is about to pop like a microwaved grape; you realize what's wrong, this is definitely not what you were expecting, and you're not sure you like this feeling or hate it with a passion, most likely the second of the two.  
what's happening is that you're being assimilated, your power is being drained to power your ultimate form in the alpha timeline, but you, Dirk Strider, already prepared for if that started happening, the implant in your physical heart starts beeping and whirring, it's stopping the assimilation for the time being.  
now you just have to figure out how to reverse the process and take your ultimate selfs powers for your own, obviously creating two doomed timelines in the process, which is an effect that you are definitely not prepared for, but you're gonna start worrying about that later, for now you're too focused on preventing your own death.

==> Dirk: be the other guy

You are now the other guy, whose name happens to be Dave Strider, and you are currently pretty bummed over the fact that todays live episode of Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch was cancelled, you might even go so far as to call Jake if it weren't for the fact that you absolutely despise talking on the phone, it's a little better through the little foam ass, but you still don't like it.

Karkat seems to have decided to stop his daily self-loathing session to yell obscenities at you again, it's business as usual, but today you don't know how you really feel about it.

KARKAT: HEY FUCKASS   
DAVE: yes babe   
KARKAT: WHAT.  
DAVE: what.  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, ANYWAY DAVE COME LOOK AT THIS RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME  
DAVE: ok cool cool 

You walk over to where Karkat is standing, he's looking at the tv as usual, but for some reason he's tuned into the troll kingdoms main news channel, you wonder what that's all about, since he usually avoids this channel as much as he possibly can.

DAVE: uh karkat why are you on this channel, i thought you hated seeing yourself on tv   
KARKAT: YEAH I STILL DO, BUT THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME FOR ONCE, IT'S ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, JUST LOOK AT IT INSTEAD OF AT ME. 

You stop looking at Karkat and focus on the tv instead. It seems to be some story about a... what the hell. You think you're gonna need to speak with Jade about this, she should know what it's all about.

===> Dave: be John

Performing the dangerous double character shift, Dirk who is Dave also becomes John

===> John: boggle vacantly at these shenanigans

This is utterly pointless, and you are not sure what is even happening

===> John: be Rose

This is getting absolutely ridiculous, performing a triple character shift like this is just asking for the universe to break. But here we are, you are now Rose Lalonde

===> Rose: magically become well.

You were just lying down there in your assigned hospital bed, when for no discernible reason your vitals are steady again, your horrible migraine is gone, and you stop sweating profusely.  
cautiously, you try to open your eyes, but the blindingly bright light of your wife is keeping you from adjusting properly, so you close them again.

ROSE: Kanaya, could you please turn down the light a bit.

You are shocked to find yourself slightly chuckling at what you just said

KANAYA: Of Course, Rose.  
KANAYA: I Can Just Barely Believe That You Are Awake Again, I.

Her face wields a bright and happy smile, but her eyes show clearly that she had been crying recently.

KANAYA: Rose. I Thought I Was Going To Lose You.

Tears are welling up in her eyes, her smile, just as quickly as it appeared, dissapears into a sad expression.

Kanaya had turned off her rainbow drinker glow, and you could finally open your eyes, just in time to see her start crying for real in her chair by your bed.  
You struggle to sit up, your body aching from all the days you spent sick here in this miserable place.  
There is no point in trying to stand up, your legs are too weak, so you scoot over a bit toward Kanaya and pat the bed loudly enough for her to hear through her sobbing.  
She looks up at you, teary-eyed and sniffling, you keep patting the space next to you, inviting her over, a concerned but knowing expression on your face.  
The two of you sit on the bed, crying and hugging it out, Kanaya bringing you up to speed on the current situations of the different kingdoms.

ROSE: I think it is time to go now, i never want to see this room again.  
KANAYA: I Think You Are Right Dear, Let Us Go And Never Come Back.  
KANAYA: Can You Walk Yet?  
ROSE: No, I do not think I can walk, my legs feel like a thousand nails.  
KANAYA: Well Then I Have Just The Thing. She winks, terribly

Kanaya stands up from the bed, places her arms under you and lifts you up bridal style as if you weighed less than a feather.

KANAYA: Now Let Us Get Out Of This Place Already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter is finally done!  
it's a bit all over the place, but i'll get better at this as i go on, probably, don't count on it


	6. Chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave, Karkat and Jade have a talk about what Karkat saw on the TV  
Dirk finds a way to tap into his Ultimate Selfs power without completely collapsing the timeline  
John sits in his house and gets no character development due to his poor choices  
Rose and Kanaya consult their friends on whether or not they should adopt a child  
Jake has a thought (oh no)  
and Jane decides not to participate in the election for president of earth

# Chapter 3

Dave and Karkat are walking down the halls of their home, looking for Jade, who for some reason was not in her room or in the living room with them, it is dark, and eerily quiet.

KARKAT: DAVE ARE YOU *SURE* YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE JADE IS  
DAVE: yeah man i told you this a hundred times already  
DAVE: i have no fucking clue where she could even be  
KARKAT: UGH, GOG DAMN IT, CAN YOU AT LEAST TURN ON A LIGHT, NOT EVEN I CAN SEE SHIT IN HERE

Without a word, Dave sweeps up his phone from his pants and turns on the flashlight, Karkat immediately hisses and puts an arm over his eyes.  
Dave turns the flashlight back off and stuffs the phone back in his pocket.

DAVE: you said something?  
KARKAT: NEVERMIND.

He only looks a tiny little bit ashamed of his terrible memory  
Not that he has much time to think about it before Jade seemingly appears out of nowhere right in front of them, making them both jump.

JADE: Hey guys!!!  
JADE: uuh, maybe this was a bad time 8/  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go again

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first real fic, and by god do i hope y'all enjoy it, because it's gonna take a while to write.  
ALSO, IMPORTANT, the first few pages are just straight up the unedited homestuck epilogues, so be prepared for that.


End file.
